Comments on: Now what? http://grieving.blogsome.com/2009/01/25/now-what/ "Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must tell the story. That is his duty."--Elie Wiesel Sat, 02 Jan 2010 09:55:49 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=1.5.1-alpha by: Alicia http://grieving.blogsome.com/2009/01/25/now-what/#comment-425 Sun, 01 Feb 2009 00:00:09 +0000 http://grieving.blogsome.com/2009/01/25/now-what/#comment-425 I read this several days ago, and couldn't come up with words succinct enough to put into this little box. And now my poor head is about to explode. But I have to acknowledge what you've written and say that THIS is why we need to have lunch together soon. I read this several days ago, and couldn’t come up with words succinct enough to put into this little box.

And now my poor head is about to explode. But I have to acknowledge what you’ve written and say that THIS is why we need to have lunch together soon.

]]> by: Claire http://grieving.blogsome.com/2009/01/25/now-what/#comment-424 Mon, 26 Jan 2009 00:19:11 +0000 http://grieving.blogsome.com/2009/01/25/now-what/#comment-424 The right of passage, the dark night of the soul, the hero's journey -- by whatever name, there are some common phases. First, there is the total shattering of what was, when all we've been identified with is stripped away. Second there is the liminal zone where chaos reigns, nothing makes sense, and normal is MIA. Third comes "re-integration" -- reconciling one's scattered and fragmented identities, pulling them together into a new form, redefining oneself and reorienting in the new reality. Finally comes the stage of bringing the gifts of one's journey back into the world. Sounds to me, if this model makes any sense or holds any truth, that you are on the cusp of reintegration. Is the fragmentation permanent? I don't think so. But there's no timetable to say how long it takes. What now? Well, just as it's been all along, there will be more "one foot in front of the other" as the new you unfolds. I think all your words, over the last couple of years, have been part of your gift to the world. It may seem like small return for all you have lost. Yet you have no doubt helped many people to sort through their own losses by following your posts. I know you have helped me. Hang in there and let it be what it is. That's all we can do... Oh, and just like with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief, I don't think any of these maps are set in stone. It's never step one followed by step two and on through each step in sequence. It's more like a spiraling through, like a labyrinth -- just when you think you're at the center, suddenly your back out at the edge. The right of passage, the dark night of the soul, the hero’s journey — by whatever name, there are some common phases. First, there is the total shattering of what was, when all we’ve been identified with is stripped away. Second there is the liminal zone where chaos reigns, nothing makes sense, and normal is MIA. Third comes “re-integration” — reconciling one’s scattered and fragmented identities, pulling them together into a new form, redefining oneself and reorienting in the new reality. Finally comes the stage of bringing the gifts of one’s journey back into the world.

Sounds to me, if this model makes any sense or holds any truth, that you are on the cusp of reintegration. Is the fragmentation permanent? I don’t think so. But there’s no timetable to say how long it takes.

What now? Well, just as it’s been all along, there will be more “one foot in front of the other” as the new you unfolds.

I think all your words, over the last couple of years, have been part of your gift to the world. It may seem like small return for all you have lost. Yet you have no doubt helped many people to sort through their own losses by following your posts. I know you have helped me.

Hang in there and let it be what it is. That’s all we can do…

Oh, and just like with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief, I don’t think any of these maps are set in stone. It’s never step one followed by step two and on through each step in sequence. It’s more like a spiraling through, like a labyrinth — just when you think you’re at the center, suddenly your back out at the edge.

]]> by: annie http://grieving.blogsome.com/2009/01/25/now-what/#comment-423 Sun, 25 Jan 2009 23:25:39 +0000 http://grieving.blogsome.com/2009/01/25/now-what/#comment-423 I have always felt fractured, so I can't speak to that. I think that loss changes us though and we can go with it or not. I used to imagine widowhood before Will died. Even before I knew for sure that he was sick. I sometimes imagine what it would be like a second time. Would the first experience keep me from making the same mistakes? But I have always been the kind of person to project and imagine scenarios. I never saw it as strange. It's what we do as children and I just never stopped. I think people integrate their experiences by choice and when the time is right. I have always felt fractured, so I can’t speak to that. I think that loss changes us though and we can go with it or not.

I used to imagine widowhood before Will died. Even before I knew for sure that he was sick. I sometimes imagine what it would be like a second time. Would the first experience keep me from making the same mistakes? But I have always been the kind of person to project and imagine scenarios. I never saw it as strange. It’s what we do as children and I just never stopped.

I think people integrate their experiences by choice and when the time is right.

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