How to help the private griever?
As I’ve mentioned, there’s a new widow in my life. She is the octogenarian mother of a girlfriend of mine. I talked to her on the phone this morning, to respond to a dinner invitation for Saturday. She is a month out, but she was quite chipper on the phone, and when I asked how she was, she said “Better,” and that was the end of the discussion of her.
I don’t know what to do with that.
I don’t for a minute believe that is not hurting or grieving. I don’t believe that the lack of public grieving equals a lack of grieving. So I do not judge her for her bright voice and chatty demeanor on the phone. However, it leaves me in a place where I don’t know what to do for a person who, for whatever reason, chooses not to be The Widow even though I know that she is. Mostly she asked how I was doing and what I was up to. There was no room to offer help when she was not asking, overtly or subtly, for any.
Now, she is old enough to be my grandmother, so perhaps it’s a generational thing: stuff it down and carry on. Maybe it’s her way to keep things to herself, private. Maybe it’s that we don’t actually know each other very well, and therefore she wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing such her feelings with me, personally, though does with others. Maybe she is just an exceptionally Zen person who is better off than I can imagine, because my own experience involved me being an emotional disaster area for a long, long time. Any or all of these things would be fine. I just don’t know; and that’s my problem.
I understand her situation to a certain extent, but I also know that I don’t, in many ways. I am not mourning a 60-year marriage in my own twilight years. She does not know I’ve been widowed, so we will not bond over that. I find similar difficulties with my friend; I have not lost a father. Our losses are not easily comparable, and she hasn’t talked to me much about it, but she does talk about keeping busy, and “still” crying after a whole month. I’m “still” crying, from time to time, after 2 years. Would knowing that ease her mind or scare the hell out of her?
I suppose it’s best to take my cues from the bereaved. If they’re talking about the weather, should I just talk about the weather? Where that trips me up, though, is if they feel they have to keep a brave face for my benefit. Because they don’t. Maybe that is necessary in dealing with others, but not me. I don’t want to force the discussion of grief and loss in some kind of maternalistic, “I’m the professional griever of 2 years, so I know how it’s done–let me tell you,” when I know that each of us takes machete in hand and forges this path for ourselves. But I also don’t want to come across as a clueless dork who natters on about her bathroom remodeling to people who’ve been through a great loss because they feel like they have to be polite and ask me about my project, when really they couldn’t care less. Do I respect their stoicism as it is and stay out of the way? I don’t know. I wanted and needed to talk and talk and talk and talk some more about A, about how I found out he died, about my pain and confusion. I wanted people to listen to me and hold me while I cried. Some could; most couldn’t. But that’s what I wanted. And I don’t know if other people don’t want that, or if they do, but feel they need to act as if they don’t.
I don’t think I’m making myself clear. Let me try again.
What I want is to ask my friend, and her mother, and anyone else who is grieving: “I want to be here for you in the way you need and want me to be. I don’t know how that is. I only know my own experiences and feelings, but I am not so arrogant as to assume yours are or will be the same. I don’t want to push, and I don’t want to be callous. But I want you to know you don’t have to protect me from your feelings, in case that’s what you thought you had to do. And I want you to know you don’t have to perform your feelings for me, in case that’s the message I was unintentionally sending. I just want to love you through this, in the way that’s best for you. And I hope you can tell me what that is, even if it changes from moment to moment. I’m here.”
Can I just come right out and say that to them? I think I could to my friend, I don’t know about her mom. I have scared others with my naked declarations of feelings and thoughts on more than one occasion in the past. If they don’t operate that way themselves, they’re not sure what to do with all that.
What do you do? Any of you have any thoughts you’d care to share? I’d sure appreciate it.