21 months today
Not a bad day. I was feeling better today, for which I was grateful. I think it’s going to work itself out after all. Annie’s comment about it potentially being grief- and stress-related gave me pause. I have long attributed the severity of my orthopedic issues in the last year and a half to grief and the stress thereof, so there is no reason all these other maladies couldn’t have the same root cause, particularly gastrointestinal issues, because my nerves always come out in my guts. That makes sense to me; thanks for that insight, Annie.
I feel like I’m doing well, overall. Have I just stuffed it down, or is my subconscious doing its bit now? I don’t know what’s right. It’s not reasonable to compare my grieving to others beyond the vaguest sense. I can know that I’m doing better than some, but I cannot know if I could be doing better. Does it matter? I guess I want to live up to my potential. I want to do what I can to make myself and my life feel better. I often wonder where the fine line between Zen and lazy is. Or is there no such thing?
I guess my real issue is that if I CAN be feeling better, I want to. I know the folly of pushing too hard; I’ve learned that lesson enough times. But what if I’m missing out on feeling better than I do? How do I know? Can I know? If I could know I was at or near "optimal" for this stage of the game, I could relax; but if I’m not, how do I evaluate that? No one around me can or will tell me. As far as they can see, I’m pretty much back to "normal," albeit with a preoccupation with things thanatological, and an alarming propensity for talking about same. Or maybe that’s not what they see; I don’t know if I have the courage to ask them, but I’ll consider it.
I guess I just want to know that I’m progressing, that I’m just fine, or, if I’m not, I want some guidance as to what I could be doing that I’m not currently doing to promote that.
This is on my mind a lot lately.