17 months today, and a prayer
Dear Universe,
I need help. I cannot continue to heal the breaks in my heart and mind due to losing my sweet A if my body is going to continue breaking down in what seems to be a vicious sympathy. I cannot handle both at once. I understand that it may well be the long-term stress of grief that is causing such catastrophic physical problems right now; I’ve always had aches and pains that came and went, but not like this. This started when A died, and there is no “went” to them; they stay and get worse. I need help. I need grace. I need something to transform my mind and heart so that my body stops hurting in response to the pain therein, or I need the pain in my body to stop so that I have the strength to continue to face and deal with my loss of my sweetheart, and to continue to build a life that he can be proud of, a life I can be proud of.
E is worried about me. My family is worried about me. My beloved friends are worried about me. I am worried about me. I am so tired, so worn down, and I have done all I know how to do to get me this far. I have nothing left to try. I am out of ideas and out of energy and nearly out of hope. I am hobbled most days, and I hurt all days. I cannot remember the last pain-free day I had. It’s certainly not been in the last 17 months, but I would guess it’s been at least 2 years. I try to keep living my life in spite of the physical pain, which now has dwarfed the emotional pain, but sometimes I just cannot. Then all I can do is put my head in my hands and cry. I am scaring the people who love me by telling them there is no possible way I can live another 40 years in this body that is failing me already. 20 may be pushing it. It’s not right of me to say these things to people who love me, but at my most bitter and pain-filled moments, I can’t seem to stifle myself. I don’t have a death wish; I’m just frustrated beyond all of my internal resources.
I have done all I can do, and it is not enough. If it is my destiny to continue living here for awhile, as it seems to be, I’m going to need some help doing it, because I refuse to believe it is my destiny to live the rest of my life in crippling pain. I’ll take my share, but this is too much. I have taken the drugs and seen the doctors and made adjustments to my furniture, my attitude, and my life. I really think I’ve done my part; now I need help. I cannot heal my soul if I am not healthy in my body, and vice versa. I have nowhere else to turn now.
Please help me.
The girl left behind
P.S. For those of you reading here, if you would sign this petition in your heart for me, I think it could only help. And I’d sure appreciate it. Thank you.