One foot in front of the other; and again…
As I mentioned yesterday, I took the day off. It was a strategic retreat, although the strategy was one created out of desperation I think rather than calculation. Did the day off change the reality of my life? Not really. A is still dead. I still hate everything that goes with that. It’s still raining. My body still hurts. My job is still a pain in my ass. None of us gets a break from reality without a severe head injury or copious amounts of chemical assistance, and those have enough of their own problems that I wouldn’t recommend them.
But what yesterday did give me was time and space and quiet. The only demands on my day were my own, and I got some projects done that otherwise I would’ve had to do at night; there’s never enough time at night, so that would’ve been more stress. And as I went about my day, I realized I really needed that time and space and quiet; I daresay, calling in sick yesterday was the smartest thing I’ve done in awhile.
So when I got back to work today, people asked me if I was better. And I truthfully said “Yes, but it was a very long weekend.” I was better. I was steadier. But it’s still raining, outside my door and inside my heart.
I don’t think it’s impossible to transform a terrible experience into something more positive; however, it is so very difficult and I think it must take far more time than any of us imagine. And therefore, sometimes I think the best I can do is to conserve my strength and take time to rest when I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted before I face reality again. It doesn’t make the reality any better; it just makes me better able to withstand it. I am lucky, in that I have support, but even the most loving support cannot fully understand this. This road is one we walk alone, no matter how many walk beside us.