Not magnificent
A few years back, I can’t remember when now, I signed up for a daily e-mail called “Magnificence Mail.” It was a very positive, life-affirming, self-affirming inspirational e-mail, and I liked it. It fit my attitude, the one I was trying to cultivate, anyway, (and with some success, I might add). I felt on top of the world, that nothing could go wrong for me, and that I was capable of accomplishing anything my little heart desired.
The mails disappeared for a long while, I’m not sure why, and have been coming in a haphazard fashion lately. But my attitude toward them has changed, and I greet them with a tacit "Yeah, right." Apparently, I am not yet free of the bitterness resulting from my loss. Here was today’s:
YOU are Magnificent because…
You don’t need.
You play and choose through ceaseless waves of Desires that grow wild, in all directions, without end.
You have no problems.
Your life iz filled with comedic, tragic, action adventure, deep thinking and romantic puzzles;
Designed by you to never bore.
You’re naturally beautiful, ingenious, full of health and vitality, prosperous and you always photograph well…
But you’re not lucky,
You don’t have to be.
You are Loved by all that Iz!
YOU Are Magnificent!
There was a time when I believed every word of it, even if only aspirationally. There was a time when I believed the universe loved me that much.
Not anymore.
I don’t doubt that it is possible that that is the truth of the universe. It could well be, but I’m just not there anymore, and I’m uncertain as to whether I can be. There’s a certain amount of good-hearted, child-like, unquestioned confidence required to believe that, and I don’t know that I will ever be that young again. The loss of a beloved one is the last, and most painful, innocence lost, in my opinion, and if there is yet another, or one worse, I really don’t want to know. I feel so old in my heart, and tired. I am not unable to have joy in my life; it’s not that. It’s just that I’ve seen the elephant, and it trampled me all to hell.
I’m not feeling terribly magnificent lately. It surprises me that I would feel any more sad or lost at the holidays when they were not particularly important in our relationship. We exchanged gifts, but on the day, I was with my family and he with his, and we’d catch up the next day as usual. He didn’t even like Christmas music. But as I sat eating my dinner and drinking half a bottle of Asti while a song we might’ve danced to played, I put my chin in my hand and thought to myself, "Damn…maybe the holidays are kicking my ass after all." I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago; really I am. But I never, ever stop missing my sweet boy.