The streak is broken
I had been kind of amazed, and the tiniest bit proud, that I had not yet cried out in my shop. Somehow, I’d imbued that continuing fact with a kind of magic, that I’d found a place I was totally safe, a place where the constant connection to A was a positive, constructive one, and that he must be there, at my side, or even holding me, in an environment so like the one he was most at home in, for me to be able to work out there free from heartache. And maybe that’s true. I’d like to to think so.
When I’m out there working, I listen to my iPod on shuffle-play, where it picks random songs. I do that because I like the variety, and with 8000+ songs on my iPod, once I set it to play, I don’t have to touch it the rest of the day. I do it because there has always been a phenomenon that when I was e-mailing or talking to A, George Harrison would come on. It was uncanny; and since he passed, the phenomenon hasn’t ended. It makes sense to me; music always connected us. Always.
As I sat working on tracing a drawing for an upcoming project, Faith Hill’s song, "You’re Still Here" came on. This song caught me by surprise not long after A passed. Although I’d listened to all the music he gave me, including the album the song was on, I couldn’t recall ever hearing it before. But it hit me like a ton of bricks, and never fails to make me cry. Not hard; not usually, anyway. I cried today, too, and I had to put my pencil down until the song was over. Despite my tears, I cannot be sure he didn’t send it to me, in fact, to remind me.
It’s a beautiful song. The lyrics are below, and if you’d like to hear it, grab a few Kleenexes, and then you can click on the title and download it from my Yahoo briefcase.
You’re Still Here (Aimee Mayo/Matraca Berg)
Thought I saw you today
You were standing in the sun then you turned away
And I knew it couldn’t be
But my heart believed
Oh it seems like there’s something every day
How could you be so far away
When you’re still here
When I need you you’re not hard to find
You’re still here
I can see you in my baby’s eyes
And I laugh and cry
You’re still here
I had a dream last night
That you came to me on silver wings
And I flew away with you on a painted sky
And I woke up wondering what was real
Is what you see and touch or what you feel
‘Cause you’re still here
Oh you’re everywhere we’ve ever been
You’re still here
I heard you in a strangers laugh
And I hung around to hear him laugh again
Just once again
Thought I saw you today
You were standing in the sun then you turned away