I went looking for some support online today, and found this rather perfect description of where I’ve been lately:
"It is not unusual for people to experience behavioral changes for several weeks before and after an anniversary. Withdrawal, angry outbursts, emotional tirades, crying spells, overwhelming sadness, lack of attention to detail, loss of interest in school or work activities and poor treatment of friends, co-workers and family members are fairly common around anniversary times. Grief does not get processed according to some pre-set schedule. For some, the intensity of their grief reactions gradually lessens over time. Some people have found that the second or third anniversary is much more difficult for them than the first. Never tell a grieving person that they should be over it by now. Never tell them that they just have to let go and move on. Those words of "advice" will cause more pain. Understanding, patience, and gentle support are most helpful during these stressful times around the anniversary."
It’s right–it feels like you go right back to that: the staring into space, the lack of real interest in anything, the lack of motivation. I’ve been really touchy and irritable. I spent half an hour after work sitting in a chair on the patio, staring at the trees until they blurred, until my eyes closed, and I dozed. I didn’t move a muscle; I didn’t want to, nor could I see any reason to just then. I got up eventually, but I guess I just need to slow down a bit as I go through this bit.
The ache of missing him is just relentless.