A letter of gratitude
This is a letter I wrote to George Anderson, via his website today. Not everyone accepts his work, but I do, and have found great comfort in it.
Dear George,
I lost my sweetheart 9 months ago, on 7/15/06 to an unexpected heart attack. There was no warning. Suffice it to say, it has been a hard 9 months as I slowly try to put myself back together again. All things considered, I think I’m doing pretty well, but it never really goes away. I accept that. We do not get past grief; we learn to carry it with us and keep moving despite it.
Not long after he passed, maybe a couple weeks, I’d been reading a grief book. Somehow, the word "medium" got stuck in my head, out of the blue. I don’t know why; I’d never considered contacting one and had long been of the belief that there was no continuing life after this one, although I’d had some experiences I can only describe as "spiritual." I described myself as an "atheist mystic."
But I started doing research about mediums and found my way to Gary Schwartz’s book, and then to yours. I have most of them, I think. I tend to think now that perhaps my love whispered the word "medium" in my ear, knowing that I wouldn’t just up and go to one, but that I would research it thoroughly and make up my own mind. We often referred to Google as "our savior." I did. Like many bereaved folks, I imagine, I’ve done a lot of reading and research into death, the afterlife, ADCs, mediums, trying desperately to find some answers to the unanswerable and unacceptable that had befallen me. And of all the things I’ve read as I travel through grief, your books have given me the greatest comfort. Your assurances and experiences, coupled with the signs and connections I have had with my sweetheart since he passed have literally opened up the entire universe for me, and it is much grander, much more miraculous, and much safer than I would’ve believed. It’s hard to remember that last bit in grief, but I try. I have thought about talking to a medium, but there is the expense, of course. But more than that, there is the reality that I have received an embarrassment of riches of communications and "coincidences" that let me know my love is still around and still loving me, and to go to a medium for even more proof seems, oh, I don’t know…greedy? and ungrateful for the many signs I receive now that I’m aware that they are there for those with eyes to see and ears to hear. And I am grateful. It has made all the difference to me on this journey of grief.
And yet it does require a great deal of faith, something I’m not really wired for. You always want more, no matter how many signs you get, because as wonderful a miracle that is, you still can’t talk to your loved one, can’t touch them, can’t have what was. It’s certainly comforting to know they are with us, but you can’t help missing their company. Faith gets stretched a little thin at those times. Which brings me to today, and the impetus for this letter. (About damn time I got to it, huh?)
Today I’ve had a pretty good day, but I felt called to go back to your website and see if there was anything new. And I’m so glad I did. I read your beautiful messages of hope, the whole archive, and your compassionate answers in the "Ask George" section. And there were tears in my eyes, not of sadness, but of gratitude to you for the reminder and the reinforcement that I am not just telling myself what I want to hear, that he really is with me just as I feel he is, and that we will never be apart, not really, despite current appearances where I am living in this life and he is living in the next. Reading your essays gave me the support I needed, as your books have at my worst and saddest moments. My books are on the shelf at home; but no matter. A few minutes reading at your website was a balm to my heart, allowing me to take a deep breath and keep on going.
I thank you and bless you for the work you do, and the way you’ve dedicated yourself to a life’s work of helping people like me. Which, sooner or later, is everyone.
Much love and peace to you and to those who help you in your work,
The girl left behind