Connections
A’s baby brother had a birthday Saturday, two days after A’s own. Their parents had a June anniversary. So I sent him a brief e-mail, wishing him a happy one, as I had their sister. I kept it brief, and sent it without expectation, not even an expectation of reply.
He did reply, though, Sunday evening, and he did so using a colloquial joke that A frequently used. It was unexpected, although it shouldn’t have been, I suppose. A told me they had exactly the same sense of humor, and it’s likely that schtick had played long before I came on the scene. It made me smile. The smiles are still bittersweet when I happen upon unexpected reminders of my love, but before they were only bitter and pain-filled. I’ll take bittersweet.
He told me he thinks of A all the time, and it was a balm to my heart to just hear it from someone. I’m sure all of us who loved him do, but it’s still nice to hear that even if we are thinking it alone and separately, none of us is really alone while we do it, just unaware. We are all thinking of him, and we are all interconnected because of him, whether we talk to each other, talk about it, or not. That little bit of awareness he gifted me with made me feel less cut off.
In other news, I feel like I’m physically falling apart. The heart palpitations are intermittent, but frequent, visitors these days, and last night I broke out in hives. I think it’s all stress-related, stress due to this other health issue I’ve been dealing with for 3 weeks, and just the usual. I don’t know if I’m stuffing down emotions or not. I don’t feel like I am, but the rash on my arms says otherwise. I have to find a way to relax before the wheels come off this buggy. It’s not good.