Love is forever…One woman’s journey with grief

Last year, he managed to totally space Valentine’s day, despite us working on a Valentine’s Day music project with a bunch of other folks. He apologized, I forgave after giving him a small amount of humorous crap about it. In the grand scheme of things, it didn’t really matter, even then, and he was going to do better this year.

So much for that. Although…I did receive a sign and it made me smile.

I was never big into Valentine’s Day, whether I had a Valentine at the time or not. Just coming off Christmas, I wasn’t feeling a lack of gifts. But I find that the holidays, any holidays, even my birthday, have held less and less excitement as I’ve grown older, and now, since he left, I can barely be bothered to acknowledge them. So today doesn’t really bring me any particular sadness; the sadness is there all the time, to greater and lesser degrees, anyway.

Time has melted for me since he passed. It happened yesterday, yet somehow 8 months (tomorrow) have gone by. I swear he was just here, but I feel like I haven’t spoken WITH him in a thousand years, despite talking TO him every day. The arbitrary measures of time seem to have passed out of my reach, and I can’t say I miss them, but it’s a strange feeling. Past, present, and future are constantly present in my mind, one swirling into the next like a kaleidoscope. There is hardly any delineation, and I read books that tell me that, truly, there is none. Am I wearing the Universe’s watch now? Every day that passes brings me further away from him; and every day that passes brings me another day closer to him, too.

This Valentine’s day, I ponder how death has taught me about unconditional love. Because he is not here, doing what I want him to do, saying what I want him to say. He is nothing but "being" now, pure soul. And I love him as much as always, just for being.