But of course
It never fails. As soon as I put up a post talking about how I have a moment of perspective, I fall apart. Like last night’s post. Within half an hour after I finished it, I was sitting there, trying to journal but mostly crying and creating a pile of used Kleenex in between sentences until I put my face in my hands and just let go. I can’t even recall what set me off. I mean, I knew it was related to A, and to missing him, but that’s a constant in my life now, and I’m not sure what the specific trigger to this meltdown was. Maybe reading an old chat from the day after Christmas last year was the pebble in my pond that just kept getting bigger. Suddenly, there were tears in my eyes, and then there was sobbing and shaking and putting down of pen. I was literally crying out to him, the ache in my heart physical as well as metaphorical.
I’m beginning to wonder if there’s some connection between the writing of philosophical posts about the lessons of grief, as if somewhere in my mind/heart/soul something says “There. You’ve been all wise and big-picture and crap about it now; it’s clear you’ve got it. Now go ahead and lose it.”
At first it seemed like irony; but now I wonder if it just isn’t reality, the behavioral evidence of the mind that knows, the heart that feels, and the soul that accepts what cannot be understood as the bridge between the two.