Sad
Based on a recommendation of a sister in grief, I ordered the book Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working through Grief, by Martha Whitmore Hickman. I ordered it from one of the Amazon Marketplace sellers, used, to save a few bucks, and I knew the copy I was getting was used, and that it had an inscription in front. And when it arrived Thursday, sure enough, the inscription was there:
Caroline,
I’m so sorry about your mother. Hope this gives comfort.
Love,
Laurie
It didn’t bother me that it was inscribed; but I wasn’t prepared for the effect it did have on me, which was that I rather liked that it was. This book was given in love, not to me, but the love was still there.
I wasn’t going to read the book through just yet, and it’s set up with dates so you could read one a day through a calendar year. So I turned to July 15, the day A passed away, to see what it said, and what was there was a quotation from the C.S. Lewis book I’ve mentioned, and thoughts about not having answers and how hard that is. It was perfect. And I felt like in just a single page of the book, I’d been given a gift, a hug in black and white, a moment of understanding. I look forward to reading the rest.
The other thing I noticed is that I was the first person to open that book. The pages were tight together, the paperback’s spine unlined, uncracked. Caroline never opened it, and then she sold it. And I thought it was sad that I received comfort on the first page I read, and that there may have been comfort in it for Caroline, but she didn’t have the heart to open it.
I understand not having the heart; there have been many things in the last 15 weeks that I’ve had to work up to, and some I’m still not ready for. Wherever Caroline is, I hope she got rid of this book because she was feeling better…not because she couldn’t imagine ever feeling better again, but somehow I doubt that was the case. She may well have held medicine for her pain in her hand, but never opened the bottle, and I think that’s really a shame. But I understand.
It’s such a dark place, grief, and hope so hard to find. Such pain. Lord, such pain. I have been so grateful for every tiny bit of kindness and comfort that has come my way from places familiar and unexpected. I am not proud; I’ll take what help I can get. Anything that’ll help me keep standing, keep going another minute, another hour, another day, is a blessing.