I write to him every day
10/20/06
Hi Sweetie,
Well, it seemed like a reasonably decent day, but the night has grown increasingly shitty by the hour. I finally locked the dogs in the studio, shut all the doors and windows, and then went out and sat in my car in the garage, in the dark. I just needed 10 minutes of peace and quiet and the dogs wouldn’t quit barking and I was tired of yelling. I really thought I might hurt them. I wanted to; anything to shut them up. So I locked them away from me and me away from them. The quiet darkness was a boon I so desperately needed, but I came in, lest E come home and find me in there after I fell asleep. I’m sure it’d scare the hell out of him to not find me in the house; to find me in a closed garage asleep would’ve scared him to death and I wouldn’t want to do that to him. I’m not suicidal. Yet.
This is the pass I’ve come to since you left, my dear: so frazzled that I’m afraid I’m going to abuse the dogs for a few minutes peace and quiet. What has happened to me? I think we both know, but Christ! This isn’t me. Or at least it didn’t used to be. Hanging by a thread ready to snap at any time. On the outside I imagine I appear I have it reasonably together; right up until the moment I have to speak to or interact with people. Then the mess spills out, evident to anyone with eyes and ears. I can hear it myself as I scream at the dogs. I snap at just about everyone. I’m a stark raving lunatic, desperate to the point of tears to just have a little peace, a little something that works without massive effort and 18 tries.
We worked that way. And now that you’re gone, not a single thing in my life is effortless. Not even breathing.
I was never good with frustration, and I know that. But I’m even worse now, so much worse. My fuse is about 1 cm long, for any and all comers, including myself. iTunes went to hell tonight, taking my CD drive with it, the laptop won’t even acknowledge the drive. So I tried rebooting and uninstalling and cleaning and rebooting some more, and with each futile attempt I could feel the haze thicken in my mind, a pea soup of frustration and anger and just wanting something to go fucking right, just one god-damned time in the last 15 weeks. I have literally gone to hell since you left, A, in every possible way, and nobody but me knows exactly how fucked up I really am, how big a mess inside I feel. I’m an emotional Three Mile Island and I’m starting to poison my own water supply. Is this who I am now? Is the balance of mess to moving forward ever going to tip back to the latter?
Before you died, I thought I was the most together thirtysomething I knew. I was happy. I knew who I was, where I was headed. I had love in abundance. Life was really, really good and I thought I was really, really good at it. Then you just died, out of nowhere. And I can’t even see “together” from here. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m truly lost for the first time in I don’t remember how long. Every thing I do, I do out of habit and some remembered pleasure, in the hopes that it might catalyze something, jog something loose, that will give me some clue as to how to get through this. I feel such a wreck, I can’t imagine that what I’m doing IS what I’m supposed to be doing.
If the lesson is humility here, I think I’ve got it. Because I’ve fallen and only my body has gotten up. My soul is still writhing on the floor, waiting for you to take me in your arms and tell me it’s going to be okay. ‘Cause nothing else is going to do it, I’m afraid.
I tell myself that I can hardly predict that I will be an emotional cripple for the rest of my life when I never in a million years imagined I’d lose you so soon, and so suddenly. Obviously, I have no talent for prognostication. But I can’t see anything else but this right now. Any future I imagine is merely a fairy tale, and frankly, I don’t dare imagine a damn thing anymore. I imagined a future with you and had it cruelly snatched away. I understand now why people build up walls and don’t let anything in; anything you have, you can lose. Best to travel light. Why hope? Why get attached to people, things, even ideas, when they can disappear in a heartbeat? Pessimism is merely fear’s shield.
I’m schizoid, babe. I try my best to act with reasonable competence and minimal bitchiness, and I seem to carry off the illusion, but lurking underneath at all times is a part of my mind screaming, keening. “HE’S GONE! OH MY GOD, HE’S GONE! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?” It’s not an echo from those first days. It’s the wounded part of my soul sending up the cry anew with every breath taken by the rest of me, ostensibly a productive and contributing member of society.
It gets so loud in my head these days, all this noise. The only silence I can find therein is the place where you’re supposed to be speaking. You are far too silent, and there is no peace in that for me. Indeed, it is the wound itself.
I don’t know why you had to leave me, why you were taken from someone who loved you so very much. And I wasn’t the only one so robbed. Many of us are left behind, and all of us loved you.
I wish all the time for a sign from you that you’re near, that you hear me when I talk and write to you. I long to feel your presence in more than memory, and cry when all I can feel is your absence. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Why’d you have to go now? We just found each other. And now I have all this time ahead of me without you, way more time than I’d counted on. And every single day of it will be without you, and I’ll be only too aware of that.
Am I strong enough to recover from this, A? I really wonder. I don’t know. I know I could fake it pretty well, but deep inside I really don’t know. The greatest uncertainty, Death, has created within me more uncertainty than I’ve ever known. But I don’t know if I have the ability, the strength, the wisdom to put that towards not taking things for granted instead of constant fear of what I’m going to lose, how I’m going to be hurt, next. No goddess here; just a wreck of a human heart and soul. I don’t know what to do without you. I told you that I never had any intention of doing without you. I’m at a loss from the loss. God, I wish you were here. I wish it a hundred times a day. I miss you so much, my love, and I love you even more. I love you forever.
The girl you left behind xoxo