Book Report, Updated 10.11.07
I thought I would write about some of the books that I’ve read since my sweetheart passed away that have helped (and some that have not), and linked all of them to Amazon for convenience, but I imagine you could get them anywhere, even used bookstores if you looked. Of course, a book that didn’t help me at all might be the perfect book for you—it’s all so personal. It would be cool if this thread could include other people’s recommendations (or warnings!) and why they liked or disliked the book in particular, so I invite you to share. Some of these books are not “grief books,” per se, but they helped nonetheless, so I include them. They are listed in the order I read them here, because it’s really too long a post to put at the grief group b-board in its entirety when interest might vary significantly.
I Wasn’t Ready To Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping, & Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One, by Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D.—This many of you have probably already read; it was the book that brought me to this group. In the first two weeks after he died, I was in total shock and bewilderment, and truly didn’t know which way was up. The time was a blur, and looking back, it still is; I have few clear memories other than the horrendous, wrenching pain. I’m a geek; if I want help, I read stuff, and I was desperate for anything to help me make some kind of sense of what had happened. So I went to Amazon and trolled through grief books galore; this one jumped out at me. I ordered it immediately, but it took a week or two to work up the strength to actually read it. I have read it twice in the last 3 months, and probably will again. It addressed so many of the things that I felt, and I discovered the unexpected comfort in commiserating with those who have been through the same thing. I found it difficult, so early, to read the chapters on 2, 3, 4 years out, simultaneously thinking “I don’t WANT to think about a life 2-3 years down the road without him,” and “You mean I’m still going to be feeling this way in 3 years???” Skip those if you’re not ready, and come back to them. This book helped me stay sane when I felt like I was on the very edge. I bought the workbook, too, but the stuff in it is repeated from the stuff in the book. In hindsight, I would’ve skipped it, and just stuck with the book.
Daughters of Copper Woman, by Anne Cameron—This is one that isn’t a grief book, specifically. It’d been recommended to me for years by ladies in my women’s circles and is considered by many to be an entrée into women’s spirituality and the feminine divine. You can read it as just Native American legends, or from a Jungian point of view, too. The last is where I’m coming from. It is a collection of stories from a First Nations tribe on Vancouver Island in Canada, intertwined with modern stories as well. It had been sitting on my shelf since Christmas, since a point in my life when I had no idea what was coming. I don’t know what made me pick it up that day, but when I saw that the first piece in it was called “Song for the Dead,” I knew it was the right thing at the right time. As I read the whole thing, I felt a sense of the continuity of things, of people, of memories, and that nothing is truly lost. It was, in hindsight, a bit of a spiritual awakening, in that I began to think about there being more than meets the eye in this life…and death. It moved me, and I’m still feeling the ripples.
The Living Energy Universe, by Gary E. Schwartz, Ph.D. and Dr. Linda Russek—this one is primarily scientific and theoretical, but resulted from Dr. Russek’s question to Dr. Schwartz about her father who’d passed on: Do you think my father still exists? They make a very compelling case for a “Yes” answer. The writing is a bit…oh, I don’t know…self-aggrandizing and condescending at times and overly repetitive. And they are frequently guilty of acronym overload; that said, that book gave this atheist a reason (not just faith) to believe that there was more out there. I am as skeptical as anyone; I couldn’t buy it on faith alone, although I know many can, and are way ahead of me. I went from believing that death was the end to understanding that the Mystery is real, whatever any of us chooses to call it, and whether I understand it or not. I’m not sure I can give a stronger recommendation than that. For me, it tied together the science and reason I require with truths I have long felt, but no one could prove in conventional ways; it provides a cohesive theory that combines the two in a way that speaks to both my head and soul. A great part of the pain of loss is never seeing or talking to the loved one who passed again; this book gave me hope that I would, and indeed, it guided my future reading selections, as you will see.
The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion—This is a memoir of writer Joan Didion’s first year after her husband’s unexpected death from heart attack. I bought it at the same time I bought I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye, on the recommendation of a widower I’d met via the internet. It sat on my shelf for probably a month or so until I felt strong enough to read it. I expected it to wreck me; the loss of a significant other from heart attack hit so very close to home. Oddly enough, I was dry-eyed through the entire book, which I read in a single sitting, so gripping was it. I wouldn’t say it was comforting; it is wrenching and raw. But it is also true, so very true, and when everyone’s trying to cheer you up and pretend like it’s not as bad as you’re making it out to be, truth was an incalculable blessing to me. She openly discusses the special insanity of grief, the mind games we play with ourselves, the utter disbelief that washes over you time and again. There is, I think, sanity to be found in realizing that other people feel the same insanity when they lose a loved one. Didion lost her daughter within that year, as well, and while she chronicles her daughter’s ups and downs and hospitalization, she does not mention that it was not a happy ending; she consciously chose not to revise the book. And I think anyone could understand why.
We Don’t Die: George Anderson’s Conversations with the Other Side and We Are Not Forgotten: George Anderson’s Messages of Hope from the Other Side, by Joel Martin and Patricia Romanowski—These books blew me away, although I imagine they are not for everyone. However, I found them deeply comforting. George Anderson is one of the world’s most renowned mediums, and also one of the most publicly tested mediums of our time. I am convinced that he is genuine; others will have to make up their own minds. My sweetie is out there; he has not forgotten me, and we’ll find each other again. That doesn’t make the day-to-day any easier; I still miss him terribly and constantly. But this new perspective on the universe has been a source of real hope for me, and it is hope that helps us keep going. Those of you of deep faith may already understand what I’m talking about, but this was all rather new to me, and resonated more deeply than I really expected. If you are open to the possibility of after-death communication, you may find these books comforting. These include much about the history and process of George Anderson’s skills becoming public, but are not JUST about that. Another book, co-written by George Anderson himself with another writer (discussed below), focuses more on the meaning of what he does, rather than the how and what, and may be more comforting on the whole. I read all 3 and I wasn’t sorry.
George Anderson’s Lessons from the Light: Extraordinary Messages of Comfort and Hope from the Other Side, by George Anderson and Andrew Barone—This book I found even more comforting than the previous two, because finally George Anderson shared the insights and lessons he has gained from 40 years of communicating with the other side. George himself is a devout Catholic, and has endeavored mightily to understand this “ability.” He sees his mission as comforting the grieving through his work. I found this one to be more about that mission, and that message, rather than the man, and appreciated that a great deal.
Love Beyond Life: The Healing Power of After-Death Communications, by Joel Martin and Patricia Romanowski—This book could be considered the third in the trilogy starting with the two George Martin books by these same authors, but has a different focus; that is, direct after-death communications with loved ones from the other side—no medium required. My mother received such a message from her own mother after my grandmother passed, and she told me about it. It seemed strange, but I never doubted her. I have had my own experiences since my sweetie passed, and I do not doubt the truth of them. Most people don’t talk about them, for fear they’ll be thought crazy. I have felt the same way, but have started asking people, and have found it quite common, more common than I would’ve ever imagined. You’d be surprised what people will tell you if only you ask. I found this book less interesting than the first two, not because of the subject matter, but the writing this time around was more style than substance, and I put it on the pile to sell to the used bookstore. That said, I have done further research into ADCs, and picked up other books on the subject, which I fascinating and hope-inducing.
The Grief Recovery Handbook, by John W. James and Russell Friedman—This book had so much promise, and just didn’t deliver, for me. I found it on the web, and it promised to address the emotional aspects of grief, rather than focusing on the intellectual, as so many people do when dealing with the bereaved. You cannot talk logic to a broken heart, and that seems to be something so many do not understand. The book dealt with all kinds of grief, death and divorce primarily, and the divorce stuff, while I’m sure is horrible for those going through it, is not what I was needing. The authors also promised that if you followed their step-by-step instructions to the letter, you would be 100% “complete” in your grief. Big talk, especially when they start the book reminding the reader that all of us are unique in our grief and no one thing works for everyone…except their plan, which will, but only if you do it exactly following the steps they outline. I’m not sure how they can have it both ways. Truly, I’m not sure it’s even possible, but who am I to say? I did appreciate the discussion of how addressing emotions with intellect just doesn’t work, and that’s why so much of what people say to us when we’re grieving sounds so hollow and horrible. They also recommend various exercises that, to me, were highly structured versions of what I’m already doing as I journal, so they didn’t grab me. So I’ll give you that now, for free, and you’ve saved $10. I found the rest too pedantic for my tastes, and while I’m sure it has worked for many people, as they claim, it didn’t work for me. I don’t do well with being bossed, and frankly, I’ve had enough people telling me what to do about my grief; I didn’t need more of that. It also didn’t work for me because the final project involves saying “goodbye” to your loved one. For better or worse, I have no intention of doing so; I choose to merely adjust the relationship to account for this event. He is gone from my day-to-day life in the way he was, but not from my life. People related, however tangentially, to this book, have been spamming our grief group, too, and that is NOT cool.
A Grief Observed, by C.S. Lewis—This short little book was very meaningful to me. It comes in at 76 pages, and I read it through two nights in a row. I’ll read it again, too. It resonated on many levels. Lewis lost his wife of 2 years, (and friend of many more years) to cancer. Much like the Didion memoir, there was a comfort in reading of a loss similar to mine, and the bewilderment that comes to us all in the aftermath of the death of a loved one, the internal philosophical battle that rages inside with the grief. Some lose faith; some find it. Some do both. If you have lost a significant other, I highly recommend this one.
The Afterlife Experiments: Breakthrough Scientific Evidence of Life After Death, by Gary E. Schwartz, Ph.D., with William L. Simon—This is by the same author of The Living Energy Universe above. Basically, Schwartz takes a scientific approach to studying mediumship and ADCs in the lab, with full documentation. The study involved some very high profile mediums, such as the aforementioned George Anderson, and John Edwards, from TV, as well as other less well-known ones. Readings were held under a variety of carefully controlled conditions, and each subsequent test design was stricter than the last. The results were, to my mind, convincing, but I was 99% convinced before I started reading it. It was also better written than The Living Energy Universe, less hokey, fewer acronyms, although still a bit self-aggrandizing, so I’ll blame Schwartz for that, he being the only common denominator. Nonetheless, a very interesting read.
Awakening from Grief: Finding the Way Back to Joy, by John E. Welshons
What’s strange is that I think a lot of my feelings about these books has changed as I’ve traveled from the day he died to here. The stronger I get, the more I require from the books. This one was good, but I wouldn’t recommend it right away. I would say it’s a good one once you’ve found your feet again and are wondering, "Okay, now what’s the next step to "better"?" That said, I don’t think that this book gives you that. What it does offer is a sense that it’s possible, and holds up some mindsets that might be getting in your way of getting through grief and finding joy again. Like many grief books, it doesn’t tell you how, and I suppose none can. I have 4 dog-eared pages marked in this book, of tidbits that stuck with me. But I would say that if you’re not in a place where you can observe your grief without being engulfed in it, this would just annoy you. I saved it until later for this reason. I wasn’t ready for conceiving of joy when I could barely wrap my mind around the horror that had befallen me. I like the author’s style, though. He is genuine, honest, compassionate, and kind in his words.
Afterlife Encounters: Ordinary People, Extraordinary Experiences, by Diane Arcangel
Diane Arcangel was a hospice worker, with a life-long interest in afterlife encounters. Having been blessed with many messages from my sweetheart since he left, this was of obvious interest. If you don’t believe in ADCs (after death communications,) you might find this interesting as an alternative point of view. If you have had them, or wondered if you have, this might validate those experiences for you that we might easily chalk up to the insanity of grief, rather than appreciate them for the blessings they are, and a balm to a broken heart.
Who Dies? An Investigation of Conscious Living and Conscious Dying, by Stephen Levine
This book blew me away. On the surface, it is about dying, but it is far more pertinent to living than I would’ve expected. It changed, or maybe provided, a lot of perspective about what "death" is for me. There’s a serious amount of spiritual philosophy, from many traditions, discussed herein. Again, not something for the newly bereaved who needs emergency care and comfort. But when you’re ready for more, I highly recommend it. And if you’re not grieving, I recommend it.
Walking in the Garden of the Souls, by George Anderson and Andrew Barone
I read the George Anderson books when I’m feeling really lonely, missing my sweetheart, and want to hear some good news from the afterlife. This book has all of that. It inspires and it comforts me. I believe it’s true, but even if I turn out to be wrong, I’m not going to turn my nose up at inspiration and comfort.
Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, by Byron Katie
I bought this book hoping it would help me find a way to accept the unacceptable reality that became mine when A died. I don’t know that it did that, but it reminded me that arguing against reality is hardly stress-relieving. I found many of the principles consistent with my own, though I don’t really have any particular "system" for self-evaluation and working through my "stuff," so that was validating. If you’re not one much for reflection, but would like to be, I would say that this might be the book for you. I did find the epiphanies of the edited transcripts a little too miraculous, and it wasn’t until I got into the nitty-gritty explanatory chapters at the end that I could see that what was edited out because it probably made for uninteresting reading was probably necessary, and authenticity suffered without it. I don’t know. I can’t recommend this book, nor can I not recommend it.
On Grief and Grieving, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler
I cannot say this book covered any new ground, but it did so more matter-of-factly in terms of the emotions and the difficulties than some do. I’m not sure it needed to cover any new ground; I needed to recover old ground at this point in my recovery, reminding myself of what I’d already learned so that I could be gentle and non-judgmental in my grief, regardless of what others thought. It’s a book very careful to not delve too deeply into the metaphysical, although sometimes they seemed to reveal their own beliefs in a continuation after this life. Basically, their attitude is, "Whatever you believe, whatever you think is happening, whether it is or isn’t, is it comforting? Then accept it as a blessing." Which is a good attitude to have, I think. I recommend this, perhaps not immediately after a loved one has died (when you’re probably not going to read much anyway), but in a couple months. It hit the spot when I read it at 6 months out.
The Complete Conversations with God, by Neale Donald Walsch, and Home with God: In a Life That Never Ends, also by Neale Donald Walsch
These books, the original trilogy and the last one were very comforting to me, and are very compelling. They are not for those who are dogmatic in their spirituality; you really have to read them with an open mind. I was sorry when they ended. Now that I have a little distance from them, I can see that I adopted what was in them wholesale, and that wasn’t necessarily good. In my need, I was holding on to dear life to one man’s vision and experience of The Mystery. Now, I take them in as a possibility, one that still comforts me and has given me much food for thought. They touch on so many disparate issues, it’s hard to describe them. But I recommend them. And never in a million years did I think I’d ever read such a book. But my friend suggested them, and I’m glad I followed up.
Hello From Heaven, by Bill and Judy Guggenheim
This isn’t a bad book, but it’s pretty fast-food. The writing wasn’t great, and the anecdotes were like eating cheesy poofs–not terribly satisfying. Not a bad starter book, I suppose, regarding after-death communication, but I really thought Afterlife Encounters, by Diane Arcangel, was the better book.
Life After Death: The Burden of Proof, by Deepak Chopra and The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire: Harnessing the Infinite Power of Coincidence, also by Deepak Chopra
I’m lumping these two together because after reading 3 of his books, these 2 and another, I have to say that I am not a Deepak Chopra fan, and do not understand what the fuss is about. I have a dear friend who thinks he’s quite the bee’s knees, but he just doesn’t do it for me. There is no question in my mind that he’s a deeply spiritual and intelligent man, and if you’re new to the ideas he’s talking about, his books make an excellent primer, particularly if you want a specific plan for putting new thoughts into action. However, the ground he covers is not new for me, and I find him pedantic and repetitive. Beyond that, if the burden of proof was on him to make the case for life after death, I’m not sure he made it, and really, I wanted him to. I really wanted him to.
The Next Place, by Warren Hanson and Tear Soup, by Pat Schweibert and Chuck DeKlyen, are both illustrated children’s books, but they spoke to my heart with a simplicity and compassion that I so desperately needed at the hardest time. They were recommended at my grief group, and I picked them up for myself, ultimately buying a copy of Tear Soup for the girlfriend of a friend when her father passed. The world is never scarier than when death turns your life upside-down, and yet there is often no one to hold us and comfort us with the same love and tenderness we would hold a child. I think these books kind of do that. They did for me, anyway.
Dog Years, by Mark Doty
This amazing memoir was so beautifully written, and so touching to me, that I wrote a fan letter to the author thanking him. It also inspired me to write my own poem. My friend J sent me this book. It is a memoir of two intertwined relationships, as the author deals with losing his partner to AIDS and the aging and illness of the dogs that got him through his grief. As I lost my sweetheart and my eldest dogter within 9 months of each other, it was especially poignant. He draws his grief broadly, and symbolically, but it is there. I’ve noticed that in other books by men; it is different than the books by women, who tend (like I think I do) to pour it all out, and maybe that’s just to be expected.
Love Is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time, by Rob Sheffield
I had high hopes for this book. A young widower, deeply engaged in music. Music is what brought A and I together, and it was a constant topic of conversation between us. I thought it’d be a natural. But I felt like the author held back and talked around the grief, rather than plowing right through it. I wanted him to plow. The book seemed to get caught up in its gimmick so thoroughly that it lost the emotional impact, for me. Then again, maybe by the time I’d read it, I’d read so many grief books and memoirs of loss that I was jaded, or just expecting too much. It’s hard to say. But I sold the book to the used book store. There are many I kept.
That’s the collection so far. I’m currently STILL in the middle of Meditation for Dummies, which I abandoned awhile back but am forever thinking about (and not actually) picking up again. I am actively reading these days, different things, though. I think I was grief-booked out–what more could anyone tell me? That said, I still have a couple left on my shelf, the books below, which I will add to this post as I finish them.
Is There An Afterlife? A Comprehensive Overview of the Evidence, by David Fontana
This is a hefty volume of evidence of afterlife. I didn’t pick it up earlier, because early on, I needed something personal, real human stories, to get me through, not a potentially dry scientific dissertation. And I haven’t picked it up now, I think, because I don’t need the proof. I know, from the research I’ve already done, and my own experiences, particularly since A died, that there is definitely something beyond this. What? I couldn’t even begin to guess; but I know there’s something. So this one may stay on my shelf awhile.
Heaven’s Coast, by Mark Doty
Written by the same author as Dog Years, this memoir is the story of he and his partner’s battle against AIDS, and the loss of his partner. Having been so touched by Dog Years, and other essays of his I read on his website, I went looking for other works of his. I bought 2 volumes of poetry and this one. I had thought to read it next in the last few weeks, but it sat there, unopened, day after day while I found other things to read instead. I decided that that probably meant I was prepared to go there right now, though I would some day. When I’m having better days, I am loath to torpedo my mood with things I know will shred my heart. So it waits, but it will have its turn. And I have no doubt it will make me cry, and touch my soul.