It just takes real caring
A friend of mine mentioned that he would like a book to guide him in comforting the bereaved, as he felt wholly inadequate to the task. I told him that I don’t know that it would take a book, although I know some exist. What have other people done that truly comforted me?
* Said they were sorry for my loss, and recognized how huge it is for me.
* Invited me to talk about the man, the loss, and the grief, and actually listened as long as I cared to talk, even when I said the same things over and over again.
* Held me as I cried, sometimes for an hour at a stretch.
* Allowed me to be sad instead of trying to distract me or change the emotional subject.
* Been observant as to how I’m doing at any given moment, and considerate of that in their expectations, instead of oblivious.
* Validated my feelings (e.g., “Hell, yes, this is horrible and unfair!”) instead of “correcting” me as to what I SHOULD be thinking/feeling/focusing on.
* Included A, (or his memory, anyway), in current activities and conversations, instead of avoiding all mention of him.
* Checked up on me and kept in touch or invited me to do stuff, even if I haven’t been in any shape lately to take them up on it or be a really active participant in the friendship.
* Shared comforting information from their near-death experiences.
* Folks who are also grieving, or have made it to some kind of peace themselves but who remember the worst, have volunteered to revisit that pain in order to share their experiences with me.
* Been non-judgmental of the things I’ve done to cope, however odd they may seem.
* Reminded me that they loved me, no matter how bleak the world seemed right now, no matter how miserable I was feeling and acting.
All those things have helped, and continue to help, me keep going and feel less alone.