I gotcher metaphysics right here
There are many philosophies, many schools of thought, a veritable smorgasbord of beliefs crossing cultures and time that would have me believe that there are many excellent and necessary lessons to be learned from the death of a loved one, and that the duty of the living is to learn those lessons, even if they are difficult and unpleasant. “That is what we’re here for” is the gist of it, that we have some mission to fulfill in this life, and when we’ve fulfilled it, we, too, will shuffle off this mortal coil. For the sake of argument, we’ll stipulate that that’s the case.
The difficulty here is that while I am assured that there is a reason for all things that happen, I am simultaneously told that those reasons are beyond the ken of the living, that the Universe has a design inscrutable to my limited human mind, and no one here can hope to know what it is, but by golly, there is a reason and it’s the best possible one. ‘Cause “they” said so. We are to have faith that it will all become clear in the fullness of time. Now, I have always been a good student, and am interested in learning the lessons life has to teach me. And I have been a teacher. And in neither case have I ever been impressed with trick questions; Life itself has all the hallmarks of one. I’d do my best to learn the lessons if I had any inkling of what they were. Take a look at this situation I have found myself in since A died.
I have arrived at the classroom by means beyond my control, and certainly contrary to my desires, am signed up against my will for a course I never wanted to take, and am told it is mandatory. I am ill-prepared for the coursework, as there were no prerequisites to “Dealing with the Death of Your Beloved 101,” and it is clear within 5 minutes of the bell that I am in way over my head. And then the sages tell me that I am, in fact, being tested every minute I’m in the class, and that I am to learn important spiritual lessons. But there is no syllabus, the prof is unavailable for questions and refuses to keep office hours, and the material is not only unfamiliar, but wrenchingly difficult. And yet I am to attack it when I am at my weakest, my most confused, my most distracted. So I propose to study my ass off in an attempt to pass, and think to myself, “Well, I’m here, I may as well try to learn what I can.” But how do you study when no one will tell you precisely which lesson it is you are to learn? What if I’m studying sines and cosines, but the test is actually on British Romantic literature? And on top of all that, I am informed that grades will not be posted until I’m dead. Nice.
It seems to me that it’s really difficult to have faith that there is a reason for everything when you feel like you don’t know a damn thing anymore. Reason and faith have never had much to do with each other, anyway, and at best run in parallel lines. This is bullshit; but it seems I cannot drop the class.