Worst nightmare come true
The second great love of my life has passed away. If you’ve been paying attention, it will surprise you not at all to learn that A was my sweetheart, the one I referred to now and again.
A and I have been in contact multiple times a day every single day for over 2 years, unless one of us was out of town. When I didn’t hear from him at our normal chat-date time Saturday night, I thought maybe he’d fallen asleep, which has happened from time to time before, or he just blew me off, which would be really weird, but nonetheless was possible. But even on Saturday night I started to worry; it wasn’t like him to be out of touch. Sunday I was a wreck, as I couldn’t get ahold of him by any means. Do you know what kind of horrific task it is to leave messages for someone you’re sure is not going to get them, each one more quiet and desperate than the last? I called his apartment building office to check on him, but they told me they couldn’t tell me anything. And then this morning I called his neighbor at the shop. And then I e-mailed his daughter, called the apartment office again, and then on the office lady’s suggestion, I called the cops, who arrived at the apartment at the same time his sister did, given the heads-up by his daughter who’d received my e-mail.
He was there. And he was gone. I talked to both his sister and his daughter by phone. It was surreal. It still is. This not the way either of us intended for me to meet his family.
He was only 55 years old. And I was supposed to go visit him in 2 weeks. Now I will be repurposing that ticket once I find out the arrangements. I cannot tell you how much I hate this. I cannot even describe how shredded my heart is.
I went to bed early last night because I couldn’t take anymore of that day and my own thoughts torturing me. I knew today would only be worse, and it is. I want to know how the sun dared to shine this morning when a big part of my world just disappeared, with no warning, with no goodbye. Someone I loved dearly, deeply, has been taken from me, and yet the world keeps on spinning, and I don’t even know how. No one expected this. He wasn’t sick. He was here, and then he wasn’t. It is so very cruel. I can barely breathe.
I had worried that something like this would happen. It was my worst fear, in a long-distance relationship, that something would happen to him and I wouldn’t know, and no one would know to call me. That’s why he gave me his daughter’s e-mail address, for emergencies. I never wanted to have to use it. She sounded just like I thought she would when I talked to her on the phone.
Reminders are everywhere, of the oddest kind…a quote I saved about our buggy product in my work e-mail from him forever ago. A red Toyota Tacoma in front of us as we drove back to work. A hummingbird spied by E this afternoon after lunch. A loved hummingbirds, and they were all named Herb. Our lunchtime chat time came and went, and when I looked at my watch, knowing he wouldn’t be there, I lost it. So much of my life was built around our routines, and it will take me a long time to find new ones to fill the gaping hole. So many “never agains” as the crushing weight of what I’ve lost hits me one vicious grain of sand at a time.
All I want to do is crawl into bed with E and the puppies and hold them all so tightly. Nothing else seems important. I’m sick to my stomach. I’m standing outside myself, still shaking my head in disbelief and horror, while I do normal things like take a shower and eat a sandwich. I am wrecked. E’s heart is breaking, watching mine break and not being able to do a thing about it but hold me and love me, which is all I want and need. Which is what will save me. E’s love has always saved me.
A was a wonderful man, in all senses of the word. He taught me, and laughed with me, and loved me, and I was privileged to have him in my life. He had a good heart, and a big heart, and I am not the only one who will ache with missing him. Some day, the pain will ease, a little, and the good memories will still be mine. But I can’t see that day yet. I miss him so. God, do I miss him, and I miss all our plans we’ll never live. But there was love between us, and that will always be true. I will always love him.
I don’t know how much I’ll be posting here right now. Maybe none; maybe a lot, as therapy. I don’t know. Everything I thought I knew just turned upside-down. I don’t know anything right now.